hiddencocoa

HELLO ALL! happy new year to all and may the year be filled with joy, laughter and lotsa love!! <3<3
enjoying the new year so far, with a real break. alone in tokyo having to do nothing at all, for freaking 10 days. how more awesome can it be to kick off the new year like that right? and also am glad to have finally shed off the old skin and am welcoming the new one with lotsa anticipation! well, i still think of him before i go to sleep but not more than that, its a good start. at least i'm pretty determined this time to quit him! and u know when girls say that, its really pretty much the end! we linger on for the longest time in hope that guys would turn their back and realize that they need us in their life (which most of the time do not happen), but once the girls decided to move on, nothing changes our minds. *note to guys! :p

alright, lotsa stuff going on this year which includes more studying and will definitely end all my modules this year and perhaps start on the thesis next year (if i decided to be slack) ha! if not i can squeeze them all within this year but i'll probably be super deprived of my social life again, which is not what i have in plan for myself this year. besides that, i'm gonna get a new job too! and thats gonna be the biggest impact thing of all right. life changing ok.... am so looking forward. as to what kind of role is that going to be.. nah, we'll talk about it when it comes. i dont wanna grow myself with too much eagerness and impatience now... and the last thing for now, as of 6jan 2012, 143am japan time, i'm pretty set on setting up a new travel blog very soon. and of cos my first few entries will be on none other than this tokyo trip... i've already got stuff written in my iphone now, i just need to translate them with some proper writing. i dunno where it will bring me, i dunno if people will like it or not but its always good to start somewhere (since its free) haha!!

alright, i still need to think of a proper blog name now. am pretty excited about it actually. the saddest thing is that i'm actually quite lazy of taking pictures, and thats a big part of travel blogging? i dunno...
ok, i had an AWESOME nomikai today with sakiyama, shimbo and orlando. they reminded me of why i love japan so much, will write more in the travel blog. and for now, i need to sleep i'm traveling down to narita tmr, cant believe it! hopefully sakiyama is coming too. another thing u probably wouldnt believe too, i did one super stupid thing today. i grew sick of my old headphone which presses my top piecing on the ear against my head which hurts a bit actually everytime i wear it, i was bearing with it for about 2 years cos i didnt want to spend money buying another earphone. so i went to get this new earphone that plugs right into your ear, u know those in-canal earphones.. i freaking spent 2500yen (about 42sgd) on it and hola! becos of the other piecing i have on my ear tragus, i totally cant stuff the earphone into my ear! SO SMART!!! :)

today kazu called. the exact conversation goes.
K: you are coming alone to japan?!
me: ya
K: alone? for 10 days?
me: ya...
K: sw, are you ok? is everything ok?
me: yes :)
K: sw, tell me, are you really ok?

and i broke into tears. when has life became so vulnerable?

All I want for Christmas is to quit u..

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

I am not okay. But do not take down my mask cos I want to look like I am ok :)

Why does life has to be such a mockery? It gives you a world of wonder but at the same time hold you down with a huge handcuff that cuffs over your body. you can now no longer feel the earth with your feet nor look at the beautiful sky with your head upright. when is this finally going to end? The good things you promised in this life, are they just illusions that you have lured me into? cos these illusions have disappeared as soon as i try to go any inch closer. Could I just die for 5 days and then wake up and everything's gonna be ok? The cuff is hurting me, crushing my ribcage bit by bit, and then slowly reaching to the insides. Can I call for stop like how people call out to an act. I wish I am in an act.
I wished Im aomame, I wish I could be like her who sees death as easy as eating and breathing. i wish i could seep a needle thru the back of the spine of somebody like she did, or myself and then watch life and eluvia slowing disintegrating from the body. I wish I could kill that someone, watch him begging for me to save him. and then do it to myself too so that we leave to somewhere else that we belonged. There must be somewhere where we belonged. I just need to find it.

Let me die for perhaps 7 hours now so that my heart stops aching. I tell u, i havent felt that in a while. or rather I wish it could stop beating for this 7 hrs.

cannot help but think of you once in a while, especially with this song.. and wonder how are you doing, wishing you are doing well. feeling grateful yet apologetic towards you, its so hard to explain, but i think you know what i mean. take care, wherever u are... you will always be somewhere at the bottom of my heart..

这一刻突然觉得好熟悉
像昨天今天同时在放映
我这句语气原来好像你
不就是我们爱过的证据

努力为你改变
却变不了预留的伏线
以为在你身边那也算永远
仿佛还是昨天
可是昨天已非常遥远
但闭上我双眼我还看得见

可惜不是你陪我到最後
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔

那一段我们曾心贴着心
我想我更有权力关心你
可能你已走进别人风景
多希望也有星光的投影

努力为你改变
却变不了预留的伏线
以为在你身边那也算永远
仿佛还是昨天
可是昨天已非常遥远
但闭上我双眼我还看得见

可惜不是你陪我到最後
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔

可惜不是你陪我到最後
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔

感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能温暖我胸口

Havent we all know that already? it drops u an absolute whopping cracker of a joke, beauty in unexpected places, a ticking time bomb, a big pile of stinking shit or all at one go.

I think i've lost that little fucked up sense of humor, so maybe thats why i'm finding life less interesting and less funny.. it has been a pretty icky start to 2011, with shit hitting the fan and all that jazz. honestly, this was an absolute clincher, the icing and cherry on top of the somewhat large pile of weirdshithappening. which is great, cos it can only get better, right? Great, i'm so optimistic.

Expectations can be a real pain indeed. everyone forms expectations and are often disappointed, especially since pple tend to be disappointing and life never quite goes according to plan most of the time. this disappointment is often accompanied by anger, hurt, unhappiness, apathy, and other general negative emotions which cannot be dealt with healthily without sufficient emotional maturity.

Well, i'm not exactly little miss sunshine, god knows, but i'm trying to forge my own path and find my own way. sometimes u need to get lost to find something worthwhile, and boy i gotten lost. but am i finding that trail that would lead me somewhere or something? risks need to be taken, sacrifices need to be made, suffering needs to be endured for lessons to be learned and character to be built. keep walking.

i have no control over what u think, say, feel or do. i have no part in how life will play out, a negligible amount of influence in saving the environment or helping other causes. i dont even possess sufficient awareness and understanding of the self to prevent self-sabotage or self-destruction.

but i'm working on it. and while i'm sorry for whatever damage or pain i may have unwittingly inflicted on others. i refuse to be apologetic for my existence, for not being perfect all the fucking time, for not conforming to standards set by others, or following prescribed paths of alleged 'sanity'. i do not feel the need to explain or justify myself, but it is tiring to be misunderstood and blamed, the sacrificial scapegoat, the dunce in the corner of the room.

it's so much easier to just shut down stone cold, to be quick to judge and point fingers in self-righteous anger, to provoke mudslinging, to listent o malicious slander out of convenience and write someone off just becos, to deceive others or the self, to fear than to trust. yes its much easier, and look at how much of it is ego or pride, how much of it, excuses or ignorance?

i refuse to let life get me down. but enlightenment is not an easy pill to swallow. anyone, a hand? fuck.

2010 was,
falling in love and out of it again. i'm actually getting good at hiding my emotions, takes practices.
i'd rather fall off the stairs next time...

friends have been disappointing, maybe it is me being away for too long. it'll all get well, lowering expectations would do the job.

job wise, enuff said and argued. 3 months have passed, 21 more months to go, at the same time decided to spend the 21 months upgrading myself. more friends at work will start to leave, i need to learn how to adjust and cope.

let's all look forward to a good year ahead...

its so hard to let go...

staring in the the notebook screen alone in the hotel room is what i've been doing for the past 3 weeks. its raining outside, it has been consecutively the 3rd day, which makes getting out of bed in the morning extremely difficult. and this rain brings a little melancholic feeling that feels like a worm which is slowly chewing and feeding on my stomach.

i miss being back home, and i know its becos i need some love.. i miss having my stuff taken care of by my parents, i miss going down to om in the wee hours talking about nothing at all with tian and xun, i miss having dinners and laughs with the stinkies and planning holiday trips with flora. i miss all their little ways of showing me that they love me.
i came to china with a heavy mind, that i've been trying to bury right down inside my stomach, but now that it is being chewed on, exposing it, is just making me so hard to breathe. someone who used to make the best out of any opportunity to travel, to explore all the unknown and untouched places alone regardless of how poor, dirty, unhygenic the place is, is definitely not here in suzhou. to put the blame on myself or the environment, its always easier to fault others.
china is actually a pretty place. suzhou alone has so much to offer. from the historic facade buildings to the roadside stalls u find yummy food that can be bought with less than a singapore dollar and then huge contrast it with the times square and Li Gong Ti showing so much cosmopolitan and high quality of life. it is very beautiful.
i just hope that i'm able to recover myself quick and find myself back in place again.. wish me luck.